#35 Pieces

Aku umpama, menyuluh dalam terang, menghela dalam sempit.

I'm trying to keep on trying. I guess, this is the end. I'm tired, exhausted. Every inch of my heart ached because you brought me a lover that doesn't last, doesn't even exists. On top of it, you left me a very deep scar. No matter how hard I've tried to hide, somehow, it still shows up.

I'm traumatized, 2011, because of you, I'm suffering of a bad case of philophobia; fear of emotional attachment, fear of falling in love. I know I might have made this up in my mind, it might not even be real, but I know, things get harder for me now, more than ever. The feelings that you tried to chase away from your heart but it still coming back. It's so hard.

On a brighter side, I am renewed. I've found something that I've always been searching for.

Me.


I'm glad that I have my family and friends who believe in me, now I know I have them, those who will always support me no matter what I do. Who will always love me for who I am and for who I used to be. Yes, I'm more myself now. I want to put my happiness first, before others. I've rejected too much of others' efforts to make me happy, because I simply thinks that I'm not eligible for it. I've built walls around myself. It becomes thicker everyday. I think, I'm less forgiving of myself than others to me.

"Sometimes, people put up walls, not to keep others out, but to see who cares enough to break them down."

I guess, that's the exact reason why the walls get thicker and higher, day by day.
Oh, you know 2011, you ain't such a bad year. I will still love you, and I will always remember you as the year that breaks me, and makes me. If I had the chance to re-do 2011, I won't. Even if I had to re-do, I will choose the day when we first met, so I can re-do the moment when I sneak a peek just to see you're busy taking pictures. And I will choose the day when I approved your friend request, so that we don't become friends.

Thank you 2011. Thanks for everything. Who knows what 2012 might bring ? I still have another 4 months to survive. We'll never know what's coming. I should have said these things, long time ago. But, I don't. Maybe because I'm too scared.

Kerana, aku seperti,

pejam ketika siang,

mengharungi walau perit.

sarahsaadin